


Actually, We're Damaged

by SaiphTheSwordmaster



Category: DanPlan, actuallyoddplan
Genre: Based on Heathers, Basically a songfic, Elias is JD, Gavin is Veronica, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, It took me hours to do this, M/M, Murder, Suicide, Swearing, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26622670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaiphTheSwordmaster/pseuds/SaiphTheSwordmaster
Summary: Sooooo, Heathers AU, anyone?Veronica Sawyer: GavinJD: EliasHeather Chandler: AnnHeather Duke: DanielHeather Macnamara: JoCatMartha Dumpstock: HosuhKurt Kelly: JayRam Sweeny: Stephen(I know the implications of Stephen being Ram are bad, but I promise I have an explanation. Essentially, Jay does all of the bad stuff and Stephen is willfully ignorant of it. Also, the only reason he's a jerk to Hosuh (Martha) is that he likes him and is too emotionally stunted to deal with being in love with a geek, so he's just unreasonably mean to him.)I went through Yo Girl-I am Damaged. If anyone wants to write pre-post what I've written, feel free as long as you give credit.
Relationships: Elias Lim/Gavin Ng, Hosuh Lee/Stephen Ng (One Sided), Jay Ko/Stephen Ng (One Sided), Stephen Ng & Gavin Ng
Comments: 8
Kudos: 13





	Actually, We're Damaged

**Yo Girl**

Daniel Duke grinned at Gavin, “Didn’t you hear? Hosuh Dumptruck did a belly flop off the old mill bridge last night holding a suicide note,”

He was horrified. Hosuh had been his best friend since they were babies. He should’ve been there for him.

“Oh my God! Is he dead?” He asked, tears filling his eyes.

Dan laughed cruelly, “Just some broken bones. Just another geek trying to imitate the popular people and _failing_ miserably,”  
Gavin felt like throwing up. If only he had been brave enough to stop Elias sooner, if only he had never joined the Heathers, Hosuh would still be okay.

He could almost feel the ghosts of Ann and Jay mocking him,  _ Yo boy, keep it together. _

He began running out of the building. There was no way he was going to sit through a whole day of school after all of this.

_ I knew you would come far. _

This was all his fault. He needed to apologize to Hosuh and then- Well, he didn’t know what then.

_ Now you’re truly a Heather. Smell how gangsta you are. _

He growled, frustration building up at how right the ghosts were. He wanted to scream at them to go away, but he couldn’t ignore the truth anymore.

He burst into Hosuh’s hospital room. He was unconscious and bandaged from head to toe. Gavin felt tears running down his face, “Hosuh, I’m so sorry,”

The ghosts were still there, still mocking him,  _ Yo boy, feel a bit punchy? He’s not looking so well.  _

He could only hope that Hosuh would survive and that he’d find it somewhere in his heart to forgive him. Ann’s scrunchie weighed heavily on his mind. 

_ Still, you’ve earned that red scrunchie. Come join Ann in Hell. _

He had to resist the urge to scream,  _ I know! I deserve to burn in hell.  _

He reached his house and entered, preparing to get his stuff and run. He couldn’t stay here now that Elias most likely wanted to kill him. Even if he couldn’t save Ann, Jay, and Hosuh, he could still save himself.

Before he could reach his room, Stephen rushed to him, “Where have you been? I was worried!”

He looked at his brother, “Don’t you know? Hosuh tried to commit suicide last night,”

Stephen was horrified, “Wh-What?”  
Gavin was done with him, “Oh please. It’s not like you ever actually gave a shit about him. Neither of us did. If we had, he’d still be walking around. Now, why are you still talking to me?”

“Your friend, Elias or something, came by. He told me everything!” Stephen said, more concerned than he’d ever seen him.

Gavin had no idea what he was talking about, but if it had to do with Elias, it probably wasn’t good, “Everything?”

“Yeah, everything! Your depression, your thoughts of suicide,” He said, tears beginning to run down his cheeks.

Suicide? When had he ever had suicidal thoughts? What was Eli’s angle?

“Don’t even try to deny it! He showed me your copy of Moby Dick,” Stephen screamed, shoving a book in his face.

What? He’d never even read Moby Dick, much less owned a copy of one. He opened it and felt a chill go down his spine. His own handwriting was staring back at him, the suicidal ideation was clear from a glance.

He could hear Ann chuckle _, He’s got your handwriting down cold._  
Stephen was desperate, “Please, Gavin, talk to me!”  
Gavin was starting to panic, “No, you wouldn’t understand,”

“Try me!” He pleaded, “I know what it’s like to feel like this, but trust me, it’s not worth it,”

The ghosts piped up,  _ Guess who’s right down the block! _

Gavin was horrified, he was running out of time fast.

“Listen, your problems seem like life and death-”

Ann and Jay grinned,  _ Guess who’s climbing the stairs! _

“But I promise they’re not,”   


_ Guess who’s picking your lock! _

Fear and desperation came out as anger, “You don’t know what my world looks like!”

It was so unfair of him to assume what he was feeling. He had no idea what he was going through, none!

_ Time’s up! Go say your prayers! _

No more time to talk, he had to run. He sprinted up the stairs as fast as he could, Jay and Ann’s voices following him up.

_ Gavin’s running on, running on fumes now. Gavin’s totally fried! _

He almost tripped over something as he ran, cursing how much his stumble slowed him down.

_ Gavin’s gotta be tripping on shrooms now, thinking that he can hide! _

They were right. There was nowhere he could go other than his room at this point. He was dead.

_ Gavin’s done for, there’s no doubt now. Notify next of kin! _

With no other options, he entered his room, desperately looking for a way to keep Elias from killing him.

_ Gavin’s trying to keep him out now! _

He could hear Elias climbing the side of his house, any second and he’d be in his room. Gavin would be done for.

His only choice was to leap in his closet and shut the door.

_ Too late! He got in! _

Just as he cleared the door and shut it, he could hear the creak of his window opening, “Knock knock,” There was the voice he dreaded so much, Elias, “Sorry to come through the window. Dreadful etiquette, I know,”

“Get out of my house!” He shouted, hoping he sounded braver than he actually was, “I’ll scream and my brother will call the police,”

**Meant to Be Yours**

Elias chuckled, “Hiding in the closet? Come on! All is forgiven, baby! Get dressed, you’re my date to the pep rally tonight,”

He was confused. Since when did Elias attend pep rallies, “What, why?”

“Come out and see! Our classmates  _ thought  _ they signed a petition. Wait till you see what they really signed!”

He didn’t know what Elias was planning, but whatever it was, it couldn’t be good. He had to figure out a plan to fake him out somehow.

“You chucked me out like I was trash! For that you should be  **dead-** But, but, but,”

He swallowed hard at how deranged his former lover sounded. Sure, he knew he was a murderous sociopath, but it was still terrifying when directed at him.

“Then it hit me like a flash! What if high school went away instead?”

He had to clap a hand over his mouth to stifle a gasp. That’s what his plan was, he should’ve known! Elias was going to kill everyone.

“Those  **assholes** are the key! They’re keeping you away from me,”   


Gavin was disgusted. Did he seriously think that it was the school that drove the two of them apart? He had to be more insane than he thought.

“They made you blind, messed up your mind, but I can set you free!”

He had to find a way out of this, he  _ had  _ to. At this point, he was less worried about his own life and more about the innocent people who would die if he didn’t do anything.

“You left me and I fell apart, I punched the wall and cried.  **Bam! Bam! Bam!** ”

Gavin flinched as Elias pounded on the closet door hard enough to draw blood from his hands. He felt like crying, God he was so helpless. What was he supposed to do? How could he fix this?

“Then I found you changed my heart, and let out all that truthful shit inside!”

If he could ignore what Elias was talking about, his speech almost sounded sweet. He could remember why he fell for him in the first place.

“And so I built a  **bomb!** Tonight our school is Vietnam!”

Scratch that. This was not sweet. He was planning on bombing the school!

“Let’s guarantee they never see their senior prom!”

That line just reminded him of all the innocent kids that would die if Elias went through with his plan.

He felt anger and fear well up inside of him, he had to figure out a way to save everyone, even if it cost him his life.

“I was meant to be yours. We were meant to be one! Don’t give up on me now! Finish what we’ve begun,”

Was he out of his mind? Did Elias actually think that Gavin would go along with his sick plots after everything that had happened?

“I was meant to be yours~”

That line made him sick. Just like all of the other lines he’d previously bought into. Our love is God, we’re the asteroid that’s overdue, and now this. He was so done with all of this!

“So when the High School gym goes boom! With everyone inside- Pchw! Pchw! Pchw! In the rubble of their tomb, we’ll plant this note explaining why they died!”  
Gavin’s eyes widened when he realized that the note must be the petition he was talking about earlier. He strained to hear what he was saying, the more information he had, the easier it would be to stop him.

He cleared his throat and began to read, “We, the students of Westerburg High, will die. Our burned bodies may finally get through, to you. Your society churns out slaves and blanks, no thanks. Signed, the students of Westerburg High, goodbye,” 

Gavin expected to feel some form of horror, but to his surprise, determination filled him instead. He knew how Elias thought and he knew how to stop him now, but would he be able to pull it off?

“We’ll watch the smoke pour out the doors! Bring marshmallows, we’ll make s’mores. We can smile and cuddle while the fire roars,” 

Okay, that line got to him a bit more than the last. He swallowed hard to avoid throwing up at the thought of making s’mores with the burning bodies of his classmates.

“I was meant to be yours! We were meant to be one. I can’t make this alone! Finish what we’ve begun,”

Gavin had to ignore the way his voice was getting more and more crazed as he tied his fake noose. For his plan to work, he had to pray Elias wouldn’t inspect his ‘body’ too closely. And he couldn’t make too much noise beforehand.

“You were meant to be mine! I am all that you need. You cut open my heart. Can’t just leave me to bleed!”

Gavin did his best to ignore him, testing his weight on the harness and preparing to step off the chair.

“ **_GAVIN!”_ **

That scream made him stop in his tracks. He had to work hard to hold back a yelp of surprise. In his efforts, he ended up falling off of his chair. Thank God he tied his harness well, or he’d be suffocating right now.

“Open the- Open the door, please. Gavin, open the door!”

Ha, fat chance. He was doing his best to hang his head and seem as lifeless as possible.

“Gavin, can we not fight anymore, please? Can we not fight anymore?”

Elias blew that two murders ago. 

“Gavin, surely you’re scared, I’ve been there! I can set you free! Gavin, don’t make me come in there! I’m gonna count to three!”

Alright, showtime. He made sure to keep his breathing as shallow as possible. He hoped Elias’ manic state of mind would prevent him from noticing that his suicide wasn’t legit.

Because if he noticed, Gavin would surely be shot from the same gun that killed his brother’s best friend.

He still couldn’t believe he did that to him. Sure, Jay was an asshole, and Stephen was willfully ignorant of the fact that he tried to  _ rape  _ him, but killing him was way too far. 

And faking his suicide as an unrequited love for Stephen? That just put more guilt on him. Did he feel some resentment for how he treated Hosuh? Yes, but Gavin was a hundred times worse in that department. 

He only hoped that he wouldn’t walk in before he had time to get rid of the noose. 

“One!”   


_ Here we go. _

“Two!”

_ Brace yourself, Gavin! _

“Fuck it!” He heard Elias snap, harshly kicking open the door.

Gavin did his best to relax his body and expression, focusing on keeping his breathing as subtle as possible.

A long silence passed as Elias processed what he was seeing. A loud thump nearly made him flinch.

He dared to open his eyes a crack to see that Elias had collapsed to his knees.

“Oh my God… No! Gavin-” His voice broke, and Gavin could feel himself begin to cry.

It seemed that despite everything, despite the lying, manipulation, and murder. There was a part of him that still loved Elias. It hurt so bad to see him like this.

“Please don’t leave me alone,” He pleaded, his voice smaller than he’d ever heard it.

“You were-” He sobbed, “All I could trust,”

Gavin felt a solitary tear run down his cheek, luckily Elias was paying more attention to his grief than to him, or he’d be screwed.

“I can’t do this alone,”

Gavin felt a bit of hope fill him. Maybe this would be the final push to get Elias to change his mind about blowing up the school.

He heard his shaky breathing becoming harsh as he stood up, “ **Still I will if I must** !”

His heart sank. He didn’t expect Elias to change his mind, but still, he had to hope for a second.

“Gavin?”

Oh no. Nonononono. Stephen couldn’t be coming to check on him now! He couldn't move as to not alert Elias of his fake hanging.

“Gavin, I made you a snack,"

He was way too close for him to be able to get out of his noose in time. Why couldn’t Stephen go slower, or Elias leave faster.

He watched through cracked open eyes as Elias leaped out of the window.

“Gavin?”   


He mentally apologized to his brother for what he was about to see. He couldn’t move, couldn't risk alerting Elias to his plan. So he stood his ground.

Stephen knocked on his door before gently opening it. He heard a loud crash as a plate fell to the ground and shattered.

“OH MY GOD!”

He began to hyperventilate, “This is my fault, this is all my fault. Gavin, I’m so sorry. I didn’t- I never- I-”

Gavin didn’t want to torture him anymore, so he quickly jumped down, untying himself, “It’s okay! It’s okay! Hey! I’m fine!”  
Stephen stumbled backward, falling on his butt, “What the fuck?! What the **fuck**?!”

He rushed to him, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! It was a prank! It was just a prank bro!”  
Stephen was furious, “That’s not fucking funny! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

He leaped up and Gavin prepared to get punched, instead, his brother crushed him in a tight hug, “My God, Gavin. Don’t scare me like that ever again!”

He was confused, “Stephen, why do you even care so much?”

He was appalled, “Why do I care? Why do I  _ care?!  _ You’re my brother, Gavin. Do you think I ever would’ve forgiven myself if something happened to you?”

Gavin was still unsure, “Stephen, Jay tried to rape me. He sexually assaulted me and you didn’t do anything about it. You made fun of Hosuh until he was driven to suicide,”

Stephen winced, “I know. I’ve messed up a lot and I’m sorry. I couldn’t stop Jay from killing himself, I was part of the reason Hosuh almost did. But I promise as long as I’m here, nothing’s ever touching you again,”   


He sank into the hug, officially forgiving his brother for everything, “I’m sorry too,”

He tensed as he remembered Elias. He would have to hurry if he wanted to stop him. He held on for a few more minutes before pushing Stephen away, fully aware that this might be the last hug he would ever receive.

He was confused, “Where are you going?”

Gavin straightened his outfit and began preparing himself to leave, “Out. I have a pep rally to attend,”

Stephen caught his arm, “What? When are you coming back?”

He paled at the lack of an answer, "You- You are coming back, right?"

He didn't know how to answer that, because he truly didn't know.

"Gavin??"  


He looked his brother in the eye one last time, “I love you, Stephen,”

Without another word, he stormed downstairs and out of the house. He knew there was no more hiding. The only way to end this would be to face the beast once and for all.

**Dead Girl Walking Reprise**

He started hyping himself up, “I wanted someone strong who would protect me. I let his anger fester and infect me,”

He looked up, staring up at the silhouette of Westerburg High, “His solution is a lie, no one here deserves to die,”   


“Except for me and the monster I created! Yeah! Yeah!” He shouted.

“Heads up, Eli! I’m a dead man walking. Can’t hide from me, I’m a dead man walking,”   


He entered his school building, preparing for battle. He pointed at the ceiling as the bell rang, “There’s your final bell, one more dance, and then farewell. Cheek to cheek in hell with a dead man walking!”   


He could hear Jo, the head cheerleader, from the gym, “Come on Westerburg! Here we go, here we go now!”

He walked into the gym and ran straight into Ms. Flemming.

She was shocked, “Gavin! Elias Lim told me you’d just committed suicide,”   


He couldn't help but laugh bitterly, “Yeah, well, he’s wrong about a lot of things,”   


She frowned, “Oh. Well, I threw together a lovely tribute, especially considering the short notice,”

He forgot how annoying that lady was. Nothing like romanticizing children’s suicide. He sighed, there was no time to argue with her, “Ms. Flemming, what’s under the gym?”

She blinked, “The boiler room,”

Perfect. He found his man, “That’s it,” 

Ms. Flemming was confused, “Gavin, what’s going on?”

“Got no time to talk, I’m a dead man walking!” He called back.

As he headed behind the bleachers and down to the boiler room, the sounds of the pep rally echoed around him.

“Hey yo, Westerburg! Hey yo, Westerburg! Tell me what’s that sound? Here comes Westerburg, comin’ to put you in the ground! Go go, Westerburg! Give a great big yell! Westerburg will knock you out and send you straight to hell!”   


Gavin opened the door to the boiler room, slightly regretting his lack of a weapon, “Step away from the bomb,” He ordered.

Elias froze, he could hear a shaky breath emit from him before he giggled, “This little thing? I’d hardly call this a bomb. This is just to trigger the packs of thermals upstairs,  _ those _ are bombs. People are gonna see the ashes of Westerburg High School and they’re gonna think, ‘There’s a school that self-destructed not because society doesn’t care, but because that school  **was** society.’ The only place that Annabelle’s and Hosuh’s can get along is in Heaven!”

Gavin stepped closer to Elias, trying one last time to get through to him, “I wish your Mom had been a little stronger,” 

Eli’s expression became pained at the mention of his mother.

He decided to press on, “I wish she’d stayed around a little longer,”

Tears filled his eyes, “I wish your dad were good! I wish grownups understood!” He cried, risking a step forward.

“I wish we’d met before they convinced you life is war!” 

He took one last step towards Elias and gently touched his face, “I wish you'd come with me!”

Elias pointed his gun at Gavin’s chest, “I wish I had more TNT!” He growled.

At that, Gavin gave up on trying to convince Elias. He was too far gone. The only way to stop him now would be to take the bomb by force.

He leaped forward, aiming to plant his fist in his face. Eli dodged, and a fight broke out. The two of them struggled as the cheers from the pep rally began to fill the air.

“Hey yo, Westerburg! Tell me what’s that sound? Here comes Westerburg, comin’ to put you in the ground!” Gavin knocked the gun out of Elias’ hand and heard it clatter across the floor.

“Go go, Westerburg! Give a great big yell!” The two struggled to get the weapon, knowing that it was the only difference between life and death.

Gavin was inches away from getting the lifesaving firearm. Just one more inch, a little closer, a little- 

“Westerburg will knock you out and send you straight to-”

**BANG!** ****

Gavin stared in horror at the gaping hole in Eli’s chest. He looked down, a mixture of surprise and amusement on his face and said, “Was that good for you? Cause that was pretty bad for me,” before collapsing.

He rushed to his side, “Elias, it’s over! Which wire do I pull?!” 

He only laughed.

“ELIAS! WHICH WIRE?!” He screamed, terrified.

“The red one,” He mocked.

A glance provided that all of the wires were red.

He looked at the bomb and knew there was only one thing left to do now. His expression hardened as he picked up the bomb and started running.

**I Am Damaged**

He could feel a vague pain in his ankle, he must’ve sprained it during the fight. 

He did his best to limp out to the football field. As soon as he was far enough, he collapsed, holding the bomb close. 

The only one who was going to die today was him. He would die for his sins, redeeming himself for Ann and Jay’s deaths.

He looked at the time, five minutes. Perfect. That was plenty of time to get his thoughts in order before he had to die.

To his shock, he heard someone limping after him. He whipped around to see Elias, clutching his stomach and moving forward.

“Stay back!” He snapped, clutching the bomb to his chest.

Eli chuckled, “Clever. Take the bomb out to the football field and no one has to die, except you,”   


He tried to back away, “I don’t deserve to live,”   


“I respectfully disagree,” He said.

Gavin looked at him cautiously.

He smiled, “I am damaged, far too damaged.  But you're not beyond repair,”

He took a step closer to him, “Stick around here. Make things better,” 

“Cause you beat me fair and square,” 

Gavin flinched away as Elias tried to hold his face in his hands. It was too little too late for all of that. Still, he had no idea what his angle was here. All he knew was that he was exhausted and he just wanted to be seventeen.

Elias looked a little hurt, but his expression settled into a wistful smile.

“Please stand back now,” He said, taking the bomb from him.

Gavin didn’t know what to make of that. He was so overwhelmed by Eli’s contradicting actions that he didn’t know what to think anymore.

In the end, he decided to listen and took a small step back.

Elias waved his hand to prompt him to take a proper step back, “Little further,”

Gavin obeyed, trying to figure out what Eli was trying to pull. There were only three minutes left on the bomb, not nearly enough time to get it back in the school. Even if he tried, Gavin wasn’t about to let that happen.

He stared at the bomb with a small smile, “Don’t know what this thing will do,”

He looked up from the ticking time bomb at the love of his life, “Hope you miss me, wish you’d kiss me, then you’d know I worship you,”

Gavin didn’t like where this was going. Sure, he’d made peace with the idea of killing Eli when it looked like there was no other choice, but now there was. Sure, the two of them would never be able to be seventeen, but Gavin wouldn’t have to live with his blood on his hands.

Tears rolled down Elias’ face as he spread his arms wide, “I’ll trade my life for yours,”

Realizing what he was planning, Gavin was horrified, “Oh my God,”  
Elias still had that heartbreakingly sad smile on his face, “And once I disappear,”

Gavin changed his mind, he didn’t want this. Elias couldn’t want it either, right? He didn’t want him to die, “Wait, hold on!” He begged.

He didn’t react, “Clean up the mess down here,”

“Not this way!” Gavin screamed.

Elias looked down at the bomb, 0:59 seconds. Gavin was sobbing. He didn’t want that, all he ever wanted was for him to be happy. If that meant poisoning a popular girl, shooting a jock, or blowing up a high school, then so be it.

Gavin was the only good thing left in the world, and their love was God.

So, he figured those would be fitting last words, “Our love is God,”

Gavin recognized the words, of course, from the night Elias killed Jay. He still remembered him being there for him when no one else was. Dammit, why did he still love him? He shouldn’t still love him! He was a psychopath. And yet… 

“Our love is God,”

What made Gavin any better than him?

“Our love is God,”

He deserved to die just as much as he did. If he had stopped sooner if he hadn’t let Elias get so far gone, maybe things would’ve been different.

“Our love is God,”

Gavin looked Elias in the eye and made his final decision.

He stepped forward and pressed Eli’s forehead to his own. He smiled as Elias stared at him in horror, trying to push him away, to save him.

But it was too late for any saving to be done.

Gavin whispered one more thing into his ear, “Say Hi to God for me,”

And with that, the whole world disappeared. 


End file.
